Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Well, it's that time of week, again, everyone! IT'S FRIDAY!  Thank the Great Pumpkin!  Boy, do I have some doozies for you today!  They've been coming in faster than I can type 'em up!  (And I even have leftovers!)

Not more than 20 minutes ago, Rod told me I hadn't responded to an email, nor had I sent him a file he requested.  Since I had done both, I responded accordingly "Yes I did, sir!  I can forward my responses to you again--"  "Well, you didn't cc me on them!"  "Oh, yes I did, sir!"  Then I heard something viciously muttered from the other side of cubicle wall.  My mouth dropped open.  My blood pressure went up.  Oh no he did-unt!  "Um, did you just call BULLSHIT on me?"  That got him quiet.  Until he decided to put more fuel on the fire:  "That's okay, I don't NEED that information.  I have BIGGER fish to fry!"  Well, fry is an apt word, for sure.  His attitude is really starting to FRY my hiney, for sure.  Then, just now: "So uhh, I STILL didn't get that file"  Now, this time, I had covered my patootie and also cc'd Jennifer, who confirmed almost immediately that she had received the document and was able to view it.  So I relayed as much to Rod.  By now, I was downright angry.  That's not always easy to accomplish, but he got me there in record time in this instance.  "Well, then, uhhhhhh I guess my computer is configured differently because I can't SEEEEEE it."  My comeback was terse. "Well don't call bullshit on me because of the way your computer is configured!"  Silence.  All I can hear are mouse clicks and scrolls, with an occasional key stroke.  Then: "Hey ummmm KATIE... Ummm Open up the G:\"  I roll my eyes and do nothing.  (Rod never tells you why you should do something first, just tells you WHAT to do, as in this example.)  "Now let's seeeeee..."  I wait, crankily, impatiently, drumming my fingers silently on the laptop in front of me.  "Where could we SAAAAVE that file?" UGH! "ROD! If you wanted this out on the network, why didn't you just tell me that in the first place?"  His reply made me feel only a small twinge of guilt. "Because I'm DUMB!"  Hrmmf. So I said, "Well, I'd appreciate an honest answer instead of something facetious."  His answer was a 2 year-old's whine.  "Well I don't knoooooowwww!!"  Whatever.  Poor, poor Rod.

Here are some quickies from the day:

Today, I'm wearing my softball uniform from a team I played/coached a few years ago.  It looks pretty cool, in my opinion.  As soon as Rod sees me, he says "Well! My, isn't that CUUUUUUUUTE!"  I love it when someone calls my sports uniform "Cute"  Then he squinted at my chest and pretended he couldn't read the team name clearly printed on the front of my jersey.  Perv.  Ick Factor +3. Slime Factor +1.  As he was on his way out the door for swimming, he left with this parting shot: "You KNOW, Katie, that ... outfit... isn't very GLAMOROUS." Ugh.

I like to sneeze a lot.  Okay, I don't like it, but my nose does it to me. A lot.  I've even had coworkers counting my sneezes... I think the high count was 14 once.  In a row.  Anyway, so I let out three in a row here... Achoo achoo aCHOOO!  Rod said "What was THAT?"  Oh geez, really?  "Um, they're called sneezes."  A grunt from him, then:  "Well.  They are pretty lame sneezes if you ask me!!"  "Well, I didn't ask you, Rod."  Hey, at least it got people to laugh.  I was  so cranky by then with the bullshit thing, the uniform insult, that insulting my sneezes (my sneezes, for crying out loud!) put me right up to the edge.

Rod didn't want to take a call from an Aflac salesman because "He doesn't like ducks."  Don't ask me if that was a joke or not.  I can't tell the difference anymore.

Rod was speaking to a client, and we heard him say "Is she dating someone?...Oh, is that inaPROpriate to ask?... Well, you wouldn't be representing YOURself!"  Oh... my... Lord... Someone get this man a gag.  Now.

Rod:  "Do you spell 'DE-Install' with a hyphen?"
Me:  "Uninstall doesn't have a hyphen!!"
Rod (completely missing the point): "Hmmm, rerrmrmm" more muttering....
Me (Caving in) "I suppose it would have a hyphen, since there are two vowels next to each other." (Yeah, if DE-Install was a word)

So, today being the 30th, we are having a Halloween party. Yay us!  We've all known for 2 weeks what our potlucking responsibilities are.  Me: chilli, Jennifer: cookies, Rod (due to high ick factor, he was limited to sealed foods) so chips and soda.  Jennifer and I were worried Rod would forget, so we orchestrated the following:
Jennifer: "What's everyone bringing? I'm bringing cookies! Katie?"
Me:  "Oh, I'm brining chilli.  No vegetarians, right?  Rod, what are you bringing?"
Rod: "Hrrmmrmmm... Let's see.  HOT SPINACH SALAD.  I'm bringing HOT SPINACH SALAD!"
We were aghast. 
Me: "Um, Rod? What is hot spinach salad?"
No answer.
    Then, yesterday, he waltzes in after a visit with the neighboring small business, and loudly and proudly announces "The party will begin at TWO tomorrow!" In shock and dismay, I said something to the effect that I will eat at noonish, then party down at two. This started a whole debate about having the party at noon (which is not what I was saying) versus late in the afternoon on a Friday (which I fully support).  Suffice it to say, we are now waiting until 2 to eat.  Poor, poor us.
    An hour passes.  Rod, large and in charge, says "I will buy the pizza for tomorrow."  Jennifer and I share a silent exchange.  When did chilli become pizza, and chips and soda (Or hot spinach salad for that matter!) become pizza for crying out loud?

So there you have it, everyone.  Halloween Friday, and it's full of fun treats for your bag.  And I bet most of you thought you were too old for trick-r-treating!  (Although a follower of this blog is known for saying 'You're never too old for candy!' bless her heart)  Have a great, FUN! Halloween this year.  Stay safe, get a dez driver if you need one, and enjoy the holiday!  (Oh, and be sure to drop the link for this blog in every trick-r-treater's bag you fill tomorrow!)

And for the Mexican followers, Feliz Dia De Los Muertos!

Adios, Amigos!

Eye Tee Girl

Call on Line 1!

I think I've said it before, but Rod is #1.  Especially (only?) in his book.  Early this morning, he wanted me to print out my scheduled call report.  Now, considering I have no calls scheduled, this seemed like an exercise in futility, but wherever Rod is, there are bound to be exercises in futility.  So, despite the fact that I know how to run this report, Rod has to touch my screen (Ick Factor +1) to point to the various icons.  Despite the fact I only started a few weeks ago, Rod makes me enter 01.01.04 as the "start" date.  Despite the fact that nothing shows up on the report except training sessions (from the past) (that never happened), Rod has me print it out.  Lovely.  He was muttering something about never knowing what you might find as he was forcing me to print.  Somehow, I felt violated.  And guilty for the trees I visualized falling, one by one, as the printer greedily sucked up one white page after another.  Although, I guess I should feel somewhat better, seeing as though I am now allowed to recycle.

Apparently, Rod really likes phone line #1.  In the middle of a call, Rod blurts out so loudly, I can hear it through my headphone "HEY WHO IS ON LINE 1!?" and when informed that a customer had called in for help, waited perhaps 60 seconds. Then: "Are you JUST ABOUT DONE WITH THAT GUY?!  I NEED MY AUTO DIALER!"  Despite the fact that we were in the middle of helping a customer, Rod was apparently unable (or unwilling) to dial numbers by hand.  And I know the customer could hear the cranky question.  So Dave and I  quickly got off the line and called him back on line 2.  Whew! Dialing imposition averted!  Sometimes, all I can do is shake my head at this man.

Rod finds it difficult to stay on task.  Here is a conversation he had with Jennifer:
     "So... List FIVE things that um.... [20 seconds of silence, I timed it]... So we have to SUMMARIZE what we KNOOOOWWW... So what you have to DOOOO [silence] is OPEN this DOCUMENNNNT [silence] but what I'm interested in is what you're going to SAYYYY in the FIRST PARAgraph..."
    Now, let me ask you, if Rod had said that to you, would you have any idea what he was asking you to do?  List five things?  Summarize?  Write a paragraph?  And he never mentioned a topic for any of those writing styles.  I think Jennifer has a tough task in front of her today.  Oh, well, the good news is, he'll likely forget he asked her to do anything at all by noon today. 

When Rod gets bored, all attention must focus on him, and all activities must cease until he is once again entertained.  For instance, back to that same call.  Rod started in with Jennifer.  "Hey, did you get my email about XYZ?" "Yes, I did."  "Well, could you REPLY PLEASE!"  (He said please in a way that didn't mean please in the least.) She let him know that she was trying to note the sales calls she was going to make for the day.  She politely queried him: "Should I stop doing this, then, to reply to your email?"  Or there was the time, on the same call, when Rod asked me what a customer needs to do to perform an upgrade.  Because I was on the call, I made a mistake in thinking I could give Rod a short, simple answer.  "He needs to back up his database"  This was not good enough.  I was then told by Rod "WELLLL, I don't underSTAND, if he doesn't have write access to SQL, how will he DO this..."  I tried one more time (the perpetual optimist, I suppose)  "All he has to do is make a copy of the file" still wasn't good enough.  By now, Rod was yelling in his frustration about SQL access and his own confusion, so I reminded him I was on the phone and told him I would help him when I was off the call.  Rod muttered crankily, but at least he got quiet and settled down after that. 

At some point, I hope Rod realizes that just because he doesn't understand something does not mean those around him are muddled in the same quagmire of confusion.  But not just yet... I have more stories left to tell...

I'll be back tomorrow with more tales from the dark side!

Eye Tee Girl

Crazy like a Fox?

Remember the "Capacity Planning Report" I was supposed to get to Rod the other day? Turns out, the "brand new" report is actually a report in a set of reports called the "Watch Counter Reports." Almost the same thing. Almost.

On top of that, there was no change whatsoever to the actual report.  Rather, the "brand new" thing was simply that the developer added a min and max range for filtering.  The arguments that ensued over what the Capacity report is and whether or not it is "brand new" and looks different were absolutely absurd.

I don't like answering the phones here.  They are almost always sales leads or follow ups, and I'm just not a sales person.  I don't like selling, I don't like wheeling and dealing, and I am not comfortable issuing offers or sales figures.  That being said, I will repeat, I do not like answering phones here.  Yet every once in a while it is necessary.  I dependably take the message down on a sticky note, and then place it on the appropriate person's desk.  Yesterday, I did this for Rod.  As I placed the note on his desk, he stopped me.  Jarringly, he spoke abruptly, and loudly: "We don't DOOOO paper messages HERE."  We then had an agonizing 15 minute demo where Rod attempted to show me how to use Goldmine to send a message to someone.  He got very excited when he saw this icon: He said "Wow, this is GREAT! Look, you can send me a paper message THIS way!"  After futzing with it, and not figuring it out, he said "How do I get this to work?"  So I squinted at his screen (in an effort to lessen proximity, I stand wayyyy back).  The icon he was looking at clearly looked like a pager, and on mouse-over even stated "Pager message" but I guess he saw "paper message."  I've said it before, I will say it again, and I'm saying it now... Poor, poor Rod.

Yesterday on a call, the customer was thrilled that Rod was not on the phone. We had to explain that not only does Rod indeed still work here, but that he is also the boss. The user was shocked and dismayed. Then he laughed at us and our unfortunate situation and he expressed pity. How embarassing.

I have just cause to believe that Rod doesn't pay his bills on time. Yesterday, I overheard Rod yesterday attempting to get technical support for our GoTo Meeting software.  (Nope, I have no idea why he didn't ask me first)  The line that got my attention was "I can't pay you!" as though the person on the other line was being completely unreasonable.  My best guess is that they were refusing to give him support until he paid his bill.  He continued on, insisting that he would pay his bill once he received the paper copy.  Hmm.  Slimy Factor +1.

Oh, have I mentioned?  Dave is still here!  He received written notification that his employment would terminate yesterday, but due to constant Rod interruptions, we still need Dave's help.  So... his employment has been extended by one extra day.  If training had actually gone as it should have, this could be Dave's last week.  However, since Rod tried to pack it all into one day and lied all along about my purpose there, we are essentially just now starting the training process.  So really, nobody knows what Dave's last day will really be.  It just seems to keep getting extended...  Poor Dave.

At one point yesterday, Dave and I were reviewing the release notes for a product.  Rod was completely flummoxed by them (of course).  He repeated more than once that they were confusing and he needed translation.  He stuffed the paperwork in front of Dave and asked him to explain the first release note on the list.  It wasn't really difficult to understand, essentially it said the reports would run more quickly, and it noted the min/max filter I mentioned earlier.  Dave asked him "Have you read this?"  Rod nodded affirmatively and shoved the paperwork closer with a grunt, much like a monkey pushing a banana towards a potential comrade.  As Dave started to read it to Rod, Rod nudges me and orders "TAKE NOTES!"  Because I had no doubt I would understand what was coming, I didn't move.  Again, it came at me "TAKE NOTES!!!!!"  I said, "I heard you.  Oh! Did you want me to take notes for you?"  This witty come back of mine did not really go over well.  Rod grabbed the paper work and slammed (yes, slammed) it on the desk in front  of me.  "YOU underSTAND THIS CRAP??"  "Yes, Rod, I do."  "THEN YOU EXPLAIN IT!!!"  You could tell he was sure I was lying, that I would have no idea what the notes said.  So I basically read the first point to him.  In plain English.  It was very easy to understand.  And it became very obvious that he had not, in fact, read it at all.  *sigh*

As I was leaving for lunch, he approached and started mumbling something while running his hands through his hair.  I referred to this action, to which he said, "What, oh, that? Yeah I didn't wash it today"  Oh DAMN dude, that's just NASTY. I don't need to know this stuff.  Really.  I don't.  Ick Factor +5. Slimy Factor +2. 

Then he said to me with a smirky smile, "Remember, Katie, I'm dumb... Real dumb like a fox.  Heheheh"

Yes, Rod... you are... But fox isn't the mammal I would have chosen...

Yesterday was busy, everyone, so I didn't get this posted until today.  I am hoping to get today's blog out a little later.

Eye Tee Girl

Another Day in Paradise

So yesterday, Rod requested that I print out what he called the Capacity Planning Report from our recent release of a product.  So off I trot to figure out the reporting system and get it printed out.  All 17 pages of it.  I also sent him a link to another report by the same name that had been auto generated the day before.  Great, right?  I'm sure you know better than that by now.  Nothing is as it seems, here in paradise.  Rod came up to me after he'd been here for an hour (the report had been placed neatly on top of his keyboard the night before) and said "Hey! Did you think this is what I wanted when I said 'Capacity Planning Report?'"  I verified by looking at the paperwork.  Yep, what he was holding in his hand clearly said "Capacity Planning Report."  So I said as much.  "Um, yeah, it says 'Capacity Planning Report'..."  He cleared his throat loudly.  "AHEERMMMRUMM!  Yes, but I need the BRAND NEW Capacity Planning Report."  Hmm.  This was getting to be a mystery.  "Well, Rod, how do I find the one you're looking for? Is it called 'Brand New Capacity Planning Report?' There's only one that I can find with that title."  Silence.  I turned around to make sure Rod was still there, and he was.  I guess he was thinking.  More silence.  "Well, AHHERMMMRUMMM!! Yes, see? It's mentioned in the RELEASE notes that were sent to you..." I let him finish rambling so he would go away sooner.  "Ok, Rod, I'll look." 

So I dutifully looked at the release notes. I looked at the important points, as outlined to me by Dave.  I scanned the entire document.  I did a CTRL-F to find "Capacity." I was completely unable to find any reference to a new set of "Capacity Planning Reports."  As I find myself doing lately here, I shrugged, muttered "whatever," and went back to my task at hand, now delayed by 20 minutes of fruitless research.  He'll likely forget he wanted the report anyway.  Awesome!

Rod wanted to conference me in on a call today.  So he came to my desk and used my phone to conference in Dave (who returned today!) and then place a call.  I have absolutely NO idea why he didn't just do it from his own phone.  But he used my headset to do it.  Ick factor +2

While Rod was using my phone, he wanted to open Internet Explorer.  I have my start bar on the right.  That was too confusing for him.  He kept moving the mouse to the bottom of the screen.  Only seconds earlier, he had opened a different icon from my start bar on the right, so I'm not sure why he couldn't now also open IE.  I think he forgot it was on the right, and panicked. I tried to guide him, much like a 911 operator would walk you through CPR, if necessary.  "Move the mouse to the right... that's all you have to do.  Move the mouse to the right.  Nice and easy, now!"  But the panic had set in. He ignored my guidance and, with his hands in the air in obvious surrender, he backed slowly away from the computer and made it obvious I needed to open the browser and direct it to our website.  Poor Rod.  I think he was close to tears.  Honestly!  At least he did the right thing by backing away from dangerous machinery.

Rod wants Jennifer and I to start including our pictures with outgoing sales related emails.  As he puts it, when people get a look at us, it will increase sales.  That is so wrong on so many levels, I need not bore you by listing them.  Ick factor +1.

I got more pop quizzes yesterday!  I was asked "So do you know what this box on the report shows?"  I focused on his screen with a squint.  "Um, the % Disk Idle Time box?" I asked.  "YES! Do you KNOW what it DOES!?"  Was this a trick question?  "Well, it shows the percent of time the disk is idle?"  Rod was quite pleased with my answer!  "That's right! It does!" Wow! Praise!  I felt like a four year old who had just answered 2+2=4!!

Hmm... I wonder if I'll get paid on Halloween?  Or on November 2nd?  Does anyone have a coin I can flip?

Speaking of Halloween, someone has a date!  For Halloween!  I asked Rod if they were going to go to a party or something.  The way he said "Umm wellll... I guess you could say I'm entertaining LOCALLY" made my skin crawl.  And remember he is going to dress as a girl for Halloween?  He has already recruited Jennifer to with him to the local drug store to help him buy his cosmetics.  The visual of this 60+? 70+? man dressing up as a woman (or 'girl' - I shudder at the thought) complete with makeup and then "entertaining locally" is really not one I needed. Ick Factor +3.

For quick one liners that happen throughout the day, check my tweets:  www.twitter.com/EyeTeeGirl

That's it for now.  I have a lot of scheduled calls today, so my blog must be brief.  I'll see you tomorrow!

Eye Tee Girl

For the Twitter fans...

I have received requests to do quick posts on Twitter. You can follow me there as well: www.twitter.com/eyeteegirl

Enjoy!

It's all about him...

Rod goes swimming at 10 or 11.  He is often gone for 2 or more hours. This period of time is usually our most productive, because we don't have Rod interrupting us every 10-15 minutes.  Upon his return, Jennifer and I are usually very hungry and very ready for lunch.  Rod is very sated and very rested, and ready to put us to work.  Rod is almost always shocked when he starts working us, and someone says "I really need to eat now."  Do you suppose the world really just revolves around him? Or does he think we just don't need rest and nourishment?

As I've mentioned before, Rod is kinda just creepy.  I'd describe him in detail, but I really don't want people figuring out who he is.  It's not like he's famous or anything, but a girl's gotta play it safe.  Suffice it to say he really is like the pointy haired boss, complete with curly, unkempt hairs everywhere.

The curly hairs generally collect and form triangles pointing in three different directions: Up, left, and right.  Sorta like Bozo the Clown only with a tuft on top, too:

But curly.  And grey.  And unkempt.  Did I mention that already?  Ick factor +1.

In reviewing the picture of pointy haired boss, I realize that Rod is nowhere near that well dressed.  His clothes are always soiled, and almost always, he has a large food stain (2 or more inches) in the center of his shirt.  Even first thing in the morning! Ick factor +2.

On Friday, Rod told Jennifer and me that he had a treat for us. This made both of us cringe and wonder what on earth was in store for us. Just before he left for the day (1:45), he brought out some glow stick bracelets. Now, these are cool, and I was kinda impressed. But then I noticed Rod was reaching for my hand and I was dodging him. Finally he snatched my other hand quite trickily, and I was trapped. Once he was holding my hand, he then placed the bracelet around my wrist for me, and then even patted the back of my hand.  Almost in a caress. Ugh. Ick factor +3.

Jennifer came in this morning with bad news.  Unfortunately, someone hit the side of her car and broke her passenger side mirror!  Rod immediately said to her "That's because you are so hot looking.... Hanging out at all those night spots!" Someone really needs to enroll this man in sexual harrassment classes.  Or sensitivity training.  Or "Becoming Human 101"... ANYTHING!  He really has no clue that what he says and does is hugely inappropriate, does he?  None, zero, zilch, nada.  Ick factor +3.

Today, we lost power in our building for probably close to 2 hours.  Being in a darkened room with Rod made me shudder, but then I had to stand next to him while he went over my to-do list with me to explain what each item meant.  In detail.  On a to-do list that *I* wrote.  I think I know what I meant by each item, thanks. It made me wonder exactly what his purpose was in standing close to me in the dark. Ick factor +2.

In light of the power outage, we couldn't work on our computers.  Rod decided we needed to have Jennifer pitch me our products.  Only he didn't let her finish many sentences, and instead interjected his own opinions, or (our favorite) he tried to come up with "pop quiz" type questions that tested our knowledge on anything from accounting practices ("What is a budget?" or "What is a general ledger?") to various types of licensing rules.  (I still have no idea what those questions had to do with the software I was trying to learn.  We just went along with it.)  During this conversation, I took some notes on words that Rod has trouble with:
   1.  Rod installs and DE-installs applications.
  2.  He says "queeery" instead of "query"
  3.  When he is talking about a LAN, he refers to it as a LAND.
  4.  He uses the word "Knock-off" instead of "challenge" as in the following pop quiz question: "What are the knock-offs to selling this product?"

Today, when the power was restored, Rod decided it was time to recycle.  I was told the importance of recycling, and what it means to recycle.  Apparently, you can re-use paper you no longer need!  You don't have to throw it away!  You just collect it up into a box that says "Recycle here"  I suppose this means I now have permission to use the recycle bin, in addition to the garbage and refrigerator privileges I was granted a week ago.  I'm moving up in the world!

Well, I hope you are more thankful than ever to be working wherever you are working instead of here.  And more than that, I hope you got a laugh today. 

Total ick factor today: +11

Eye Tee Girl

This Just In!

Jennifer just read the blog, and informed me she is line THREE.  So, while Rod usually remembers her name, apparently Rod can't remember what line she is.  Thankfully, he is able to recall his own line number correctly.

Whew!

And lastly, as Rod was getting ready to do something, I heard him go get a glass of water.  Fifteen minutes later, I rounded the corner where the water cooler is, and presto!

Rod forgot about his glass of water.  Man, he is good!  I've left water glasses in other places after filling it, but I've never forgotten it UNDER the water tap.  Mad skillz, yo.

So you can see, the stories simply never end, here in Crazy Land.  Don't you wish you could join us?

Eye Tee Girl

Another Friday

Thank all the heavens that it is FINALLY Friday.  Which means I do not have to come in to work tomorrow.

On Wednesday, Rod gave Dave his notice.  That made me sad.  Jennifer and I called Dave over once we found out and we all talked about this crazy place.  The stories I heard there, well, I'll save those for a weekend blog sometime.  Anyway, in this conversation, Dave told us Rod asked him to stay until November 1, and after that asked that he contract his services.  This sounded like a perfect time frame for me to be able to learn things and get established to take over his position.  The next day (yesterday) Rod came in and told me that he let Dave go... but he couldn't remember if he told Dave his last day was Thursday or Friday. Considering first that Dave doesn't work on Fridays, and second that Dave said November 1, I was amused.  Rod just fired someone, and had no idea when his last day was!!  (Of course, I couldn't wait to regale Dave with the latest story of Rod's faulty memory.  Dave was incredibly pleased to find out he didn't have to come back to this place.  Lucky son of a gun!)  Imagine how my amusement increased upon hearing Rod say today "When Dave comes in on Tuesday, he can show you this and this..."  Hmm.  Really, Rod?  Are you SURE he's coming in on Tuesday?  What would my grampa say?  Don't bet the farm on that one!

Rod is really just kinda creepy, too.  Take today for an example.  I was on a conference call with him with a VIP client, whom Rod considers a "very good friend."  This is the gentleman whose son plays football, you'll recall from an earlier post this week.  This gentleman heads up a boy scout troup or somesuch and as a result, is hosting some sort of Girl Scout overnight thing.  Immediately, Rod's voice dropped into this nasty, lascivious drawl as he said "You shouldn't tell me that kinda thing!"  OHHH EWWW! That's just SO wrong.  These are GIRL SCOUTS for crying out loud.  Gag me.

After that comment, and a few more less ghastly, Rod summarily kicked me off the call.  Thank goodness!  I couldn't handle much more of that "man" talk.

Rod always has to be in charge.  Always has to be numero uno.  No matter how miniscule the item.  Regarding our phones, I was informed today that HE is line 1.  JENNIFER is line 2.  I can therefore be line 3 or 4 on our 4 line phones.  Okay, great, whatever.  I'm sorry for all those times I have stepped on your toes and taken the next line available.  (Okay, when I think about it how it probably bugged him, I'm not sorry at all.  In fact, I'm rather pleased with myself.)

He asked again today about the sig file status for email.  Again we had the same conversation.  Again Jennifer had to call me to update Rod on the status.  Really.  Tiresome.

For Halloween, Rod has decided "to be a girl."  Not a prostitute or anything weird.  He said there is going to be a lot of "putting [his] face on."  I have no clue what that means, but he laughed like I am supposed to.  He thinks the problem with that costume is that some people are not going to think it's a joke.  Yes they will, Rod, but unfortunately, they won't be laughing with you, they'll be laughing at you.

Rod doesn't let you finish very many thoughts when you are speaking.  For this reason, he has very little real idea of what it is I am working on or what problems I have encountered.  As a result, I find myself keeping things from him - because he doesn't know the rest of the history. To tell him one part of the story would shock him too much, I think, and then it would take 30 minutes of trying to explain things that I've previously tried to explain - unsuccessfully.  That's assuming, of course, he didn't interrupt me, and he could remember what it was we were talking about.  (Two HUGE if's when dealing with Rod.)

Lastly, let me part today with some observations.  Rod likes America, and Americans.  Groovy.  I'm down with that, too.  But Rod seems to think that while on a support call with Microsoft, you actually get a choice of where your call will be routed.  (It was a painful 20 minutes as he told some poor girl in the Philipines over and over and over that he didn't want to talk to her, he wanted an American to talk to. She kindly explained that she could put us back in the queue.  Over and over.  Poor girl.)  Another example of his American "ethnicity" bias?  We were speaking to a gentleman named Hakeem.  When he said "This is Hakeem," Rod gruffly and rudely asked "What's your AMERICAN name?"  Ohhh, Rod...

So, happy Friday everyone.  When I say TGIF, I say it with far more zeal than anyone else I know.

Over and out,
Eye Tee Girl

Mass confusion

I think Rod just lives in a state of constant mass confusion.

For instance, I arrived at the office first today.  I turned on the lights after unlocking the door and getting the newspaper.  Rod gets to work, and apparently did not notice the paper was missing, that the lights were on, or even that the door was unlocked.  I heard him as he struggled to re-lock the door, tried to push it open, then had to unlock it, and came in.  He thought it was funny.  I thought it was just sad that after working here for how many years?  He still doesn't know which way to turn the key to lock or unlock the door.  I know counter clockwise opens it after unlocking it perhaps 4 times.  Poor, poor Rod.

Sometimes you have to explain things to Rod every single day of the week.  As an example, we have an ongoing issue... well... ROD has an ongoing issue with his signature file in email.  No matter how many times I explain it to him, in the simplest of terms, he will forget again by the next day what the answer is.  The funny part is that each and every following day he will ask Jennifer what the status is.  After going back and forth, eventually, Jennifer will have to call out to me and say "What's the status again?"  Bless her heart, she never gets mad.  Then I get up, walk over to them, and explain it all over again.  Really, it gets tiresome to say the same thing every single day.  Really.  Tiresome.

Today, he didn't like my answer any more than he ever likes it, turned away from me, and scooted up to his desk.  "Are you dismissing me then, Rod?"  His terse reply "YES, you are DISMISSED!" made my eyes pop open as I turned to gauge Jennifer's reaction.  I saw the same big eyes reflected back at me.  I guess we know where I stand now...

Rod often gets confused by news items that he has already been given.  For instance, when he came in this morning (after initially locking himself out), he asked me how some training went after his departure the day before.  Despite the email I had already sent to him, I explained verbally that it didn't really happen at all.  Due to a licensing problem, it would appear two machines cannot run this software concurrently on a given network.  I emailed Rod about this AND told him verbally.  He then came up to me about 15 minutes ago, he interrupted me (again while on a conference call) to tell me I would be doing a customer install of this product in 30 minutes.  He again asked me how the training went.  Again I told him of the licensing problem.  He acted shocked and disappointed, as though to say "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?!"  I repeated for him, I should not be doing the install for the first time on a customer's machine, that Dave should do this.  The look of shock and anxiety did not diminish.  I tried to reassure.  "I will watch the install closely, take notes, we'll get the licensing worked out...." while I was outlining a course of action, right in the middle of my sentence and thought, Rod just walked away and went back to his cubicle.  My words drifted to a stop.  "Um, does that mean we are done with the conversation?"  As his chair squeaked, he said curtly "Yes, Ma'am."  "Alrighty then..."

Do you think when conversations get too confusing for his muddled thoughts that he just ends them?  Is it so he can hide his confusion, or so he can continue on and think things out in his brain, in silence?  Whatever the reason, he's definitely rude and demeaning when he does it.

He can't even BEGIN to get names right.  He's called me by at least 4 names.  He's got Jennifer and Dave down pretty well though.  My partner?  Let's just say that's like watching Endora (from Bewitched) talk to or about Samantha's husband, Darrin.  Equivalently, my poor guy gets called anything from Derrick to Durwood and everything else in between.  I don't even try any more.  As long as he hits a name with a "D" I consider it good to go.  He even gets his own name wrong!  When trying to find our account with a vendor, the only contact they could find was RON.Acme@acme.com.  I know, right? I can hear your sad sighs already.

Do you suppose being that ... um... confused is like being high all the time?  Do you think he ever knows how stupid he seems?  Or is he so stupid, he doesn't even realize his stupidity?  There must be a circular formula there.  The more stupid you are, the less you recognize your own failures...

I'll leave you with those thoughts, so until next time, everyone!

Eye Tee Girl

Well-Connected

One of our customer's sons plays football for his Junior High.  He is maybe 12 or 13.  This morning, bright and early, Rod calls the customer and immediately asks for some film of this kid playing.  I could tell immediately this was going to be a fascinating call, so I slipped my headphones off and shamelessly listened in.  He went on to say that the UW football coach is interested in this kid (presumably because he and Coach Sarkisian are such good buddies that Sark has nothing better to do in the height of football season than to sit around and BS with Rod about young talent).  Would the client be so kind as to send some video?  He went on further!  He talked about the entire coaching staff, and how they focus on the parent, and how they work with the kids they are recruiting, now at junior high ages!  What a crock.  Rod thinks he is so smooth, it's embarassing.  I mean, what do you suppose our client thought of this?!  I shudder at the thought.

Talk about being well-connected, Rod takes the cake.  Whenever he schedules another call with someone, he ends the conversation with "See you then!"  Umm, nope, I don't think you will, Rod.  Unless you have far higher powers than the rest of us mortals, you'll be TALKING to them soon.

Rod forgets my name.  Constantly.  He forgets it several times a day. I know, because he will frequently bleat out "HEY SO umm..." as he searches for my name.  Sometimes he thinks of it, other times... the well is dry. It's actually not as upsetting as it seems.  It's actually a toss of the dice.  If he forgets my name totally, then I think he works so hard to remember it... that he then forgets what he was going to say altogether (which is good).  So really, it's insulting, but a relief at the same time.

Wanna know something else?  Rod is one of those unfortunate souls who says "ECK-cetera," instead of "ET-cetera," thus establishing his lack of awareness and/or education to all around him. 

We have Halloween lights cheerily lighting the walk along one hallway.  Rod wants us to unplug the lights during the day (when we're here to see them) and plug them back in at night (when we aren't here to see them).  I have no idea why. 

Here is a short example of an email exchange with Rod:

----------------------- Original Message -----------------------
From: Rod Acme rod.acme@acme.com
To: Dave Ball daveb@acme.com
Cc:
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:16:27 -0700
Subject: Foley ACME List

pls update tis list releate to our new release

Now, there are a couple things to note.  First (to IT people) it is glaringly obvious there is no standard for email addresses.  Second, I can't figure out at all what he is asking, typos aside.  Even if I could figure out the words he is attempting to relay, I'm not sure I could figure out the goal.  Lastly, here is the response he received from Dave:

To: Rod Acme rod.acme@acme.com

Cc: Katie Murphy 
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:45:43 -0700
Subject: Foley ACME List - has already been updated...

The list was already updated two weeks ago. It is correct.
 
I'll leave you with that for now.  I will be back again tomorrow!  You can be sure of it.
 
Eye Tee Girl

Follow Up to Yesterday

There was a fairly heated argument yesterday.  Essentially it was the three of us against Rod.  Rod was under the impression that a customer/user was an "imbecile" and "can't do anything."  As far as I know, he has never participated in a support call with her, and doesn't know anything about her other than her accent.  He was insisting that what she was asking for was useless, and that we should stop wasting our time trying to help her.  He got quite vocal, and essentially, was asking us to stop offering any type of customer service by supporting a potential customer.  It was an utterly ridiculous argument, without merit, and ended with Rod saying that he completely disagreed with everything we were about to do.  That was actually more reassuring than distressing. (I didn't tell him that, however)

Remember in yesterday's blog...?  At lunch, he said he would return in a couple hours?  Yeah... he didn't.  He did call at around 4:30 to apologize first to Jennifer, then to me.  When he spoke to me, he said, "Yeah, I'm sorry about that.  I got a little HEATED."  I replied accordingly, somewhat impressed that he called to apologize.  It didn't last long.  He followed up his first statement by saying "Which isn't TO SAY it won't happen AGAINNNNN, of course."  Well, so much for pretending!  Rod asked if Dave was still at the office.  Since Dave was the last one in, it's logical (to me) that yes, he was still there.  Figuring he would want to talk to Dave next to apologize, I said "yep!"  The reply was a very disgruntled "Hrrmmrmm.  Okay, then..."

Then the line went dead. 

I guess Rod was now done with our conversation and had no further need for niceties, such as "Good-bye" 

Jennifer thinks he went home and got plowed.  Me, I'm thinking maybe he was lit all day long, a little nip of the nectar to help him soothe his nerves for his confrontation with Dave.  That never happened.  Whatever.  Yesterday was crazy and the "Wash your Hands" sign still makes me shake my head every time I see it.

Eye Tee Girl

Cranky Pants

Wow someone is cranky today.  I wonder if it is because Rod was going to fire Dave today?  (After all, Rod did ask Jennifer and I to leave for a period of time today at noon so he could speak privately with Dave... apparently, he's not aware of the rule to do things like that in a public place...)  Whatever the reason, Rod has been in top form today, starting in almost immediately upon my arrival.

I'll start with some good news from last week.  Rod came up to me, and in a low voice, assured me that I could now use the refrigerator, and should "feel free" to use the garbage.  Odd, I didn't think I needed an invitation to do so, and had not been piling garbage on the floor.  I felt somewhat guilty, too, as I had already been utilizing BOTH the refrigerator AND the garbage cans.  Good thing Rod made me feel okay on both counts!!  So you see, it's not ALL crazy working here.  Rod has his nice moments!

A client I shall call Jerry called in for Rod and Jennifer answered the phone.  She transfered him to Rod.  Immediately, Rod was angry and on edge with this man.  He said, "Dammit Larry... Er... Jerry.... Whatever... I want BULLET POINTS, not PARAGRAPHS, but BULLET POINTS.  I want you to say FIVE THINGS, FIVE BULLET POINTS...."  I realized immediately today was going to be a treat!

In the middle of a conference call, Rod came up behind me to get something off the printer.  "SHIT!" he said.  Quickly, I verified I was on mute before turning to give him the I'm-on-the-phone-angry eyes.  He gestured that I needed to get off the phone, then said, "Follow me"  We went to the back of the office to the bathroom, where he pointed accusingly at the garbage can.  Blankly, I looked from the rubbish bin and then back to Rod.  "The bag is TOO SMALL!" he said plaintively, then, with a flourish, almost like a magician revealing a rabbit, he pulled the lid off the trash can.  I peered inside.  Sure enough, the bag was about an inch short of the top of the can.  I looked back at him.  Oh, come ON!  Was he for REAL?  What the heck did he expect from me? So I reached over, pulled the bag up and over the edge of the can and said "There! That should do the trick...?  Right...?"  He muttered in his usual fashion and slammed the lid down and I heard him mention the smell of food.  Since I really had no idea what he was talking about, I just shrugged on the inside and returned to my call.  When the call was done, I went to talk to Jennifer, and noticed there was a new message on the white board by the front door:  "PUT FOOD IN DUMPSTER" in letters at least 4 inches high. In red ink.  And underlined.  With exclamation points!!  Whatever. 

An hour later, I was just entering a conference call with a large account. Rod kindly introduced me, "And just now coming on the call is Katie Murphy!  She is a GEEK of the HIGHEST ORDER! [long pause] And she is VERY ATTRACTIVE!"  Again, I think this is one of those moments where I don't really need to enter any commentary, I'll simply let you enjoy the inappropriate audacity roll over you in waves (as it did me.)

Shortly after that call, it was lunch time and Rod dismissed himself, assuring us he would return in a couple hours.  Jennifer got up to go to the bathroom, after which both Dave and I heard laughter, then from the back of the office, I heard her say "Did one of you put this sign up?  HILARIOUS!"  Laughing, Dave and I went to the back.  And saw... taped firmly on the inside of the bathroom door was a sign that read, in bright green ink, "WASH your HANDS"

We can't figure out why on earth Rod felt the need to remind us to wash our hands but in retrospect, I think perhaps he needed to remind himself.

The day isn't yet over, and I am sure that there are a few more whammies in store for me.  All I share here are the very best. All I know is, Dave is safe for another day and that makes me happy!

Things you'll notice...

The more time you spend around Rod, the more you realize he's just not all there. At first meeting, you think perhaps he is a little anti-social, but he must balance out the oddness by being a genius. You know, the stereotypical odd guy who is a whiz at math or some such?

Not so for Rod.

In fact, I'm not really sure how he manages from day to day, much less how he manages to sell product! Read on and you will see what I mean.

I think Rod must use an electric razor daily. I say this because at first glance, he always appears shaven. But then you can't help but notice-- there are tufts of un-cut stuff hanging around, much like a lawn that your ten year old has mowed. Say, the left half of the moustache will be gone, but the right half will show a day's growth. Or maybe a patch the size of a dime, completely untouched, in the middle of a cheek! Now, I only guess he uses an electric razor (maybe in his car?) because otherwise, when guys use shaving cream and a mirror (which generally show them quite clearly the areas they have shaved or have not shaved) they have a uniformly shaved face.

I understand the bathroom is not where people like to hang out. I understand too that unsavory things happen in there. But when it's time for Rod to make a stinky in there (this is a one toilet operation, here), he does not use air deodorizer, he does not turn on the fan, and then he closes the door snugly behind him (I suppose to trap the smell inside?) Before I understood his MO, I naively walked into the bathroom not long after he had been in there and got a full mouthful of bear bait. Oh, the horror! Gagging, I quickly exited, leaving the door open behind me. (I was also praying Jennifer wouldn't see me coming out as she went in and then think I was the one to drop the bear bait!!)

I did end up getting paid on Friday! How exciting is that? Oddly enough, I didn't have to fill out a single piece of paper work, didn't sign a single document, nor did I even show my driver's license. Hmmm. Rod also was not aware I started Tuesday; instead, he thought I started Monday. Who was I to correct him?

Rod has online demos of his product posted on his website. This is a great idea. However, on the demos I've watched so far, there are major issues. In fact, in one of them, the product crashes and shows a SQL error page! That's truth in advertising for you, I guess!

Rod always directs people to go view the "Admin Counsel" - do you suppose he means "Admin Console"?

Another thing that makes me laugh: Rod and I sit in cubicles opposite each other. Sometimes, I move to the cubicle to his right. Even after speaking to him at length, Rod will not know where I am sitting. Is it that difficult to pay attention to where a voice is coming from? This fact was particularly entertaining the day he was trying to prove I didn't know how to answer the phone. He called the wrong cubicle and I had to tell him where I was. Thus proving, while I know how to answer a phone, Rod has no idea how to place a call on one.

Today, Rod called me over to work on my "to-do" list. We spent 2 minutes talking about one item (over and over) on my list. He then spent at least 60 seconds trying to remember what we were talking about, and then spent the next 27 minutes working on Dave's to-do list. I found out today that tomorrow will be Dave's last day. Rod listed several things (impossible to do in one day, much less your last day) that *I* needed to make sure Dave did. I clarified, "So you will be going over this stuff with Dave, right?" to which Rod replied with "Well, WE will go over this with him, I suppose..." No, Rod, you will. I am not going to tell him what he needs to do right after you fire him. I don't want anything to do with that stinky barrel of fish!

So, how do you think he does it? How does he muddle through life like this? Was he dropped on his head as a child? I just don't get it!

Stay tuned, everyone, and happy Monday!

Eye Tee Girl

Friday!

So here we are, the end of my first week. As promised, I have more stories!

Rod isn't the most IT savy of people. I think that's likely a huge understatement. When I say this, think of your grandfather trying to use a computer. Or the pointy haired boss a la Dilbert. That's the owner, my boss, Rod. Now, 2 things would help him (and us) greatly... if he could:

1. Realize that those around him know more about computers than he does

2. Remember the things he has been taught or has "taught" us


Here are some short one liners or conversation topics I have been directly involved in:

"Hey, so uhh... do you know how to answer a phone?" When I replied affirmatively, he grunted disbelievingly and called me on the phone anyway to prove it. (I answered successfully, to which he grunted approvingly. I think.)

"After you change your password, be sure to enter it into the password spreadsheet. We all need to be able to log on to eachother's computers." (Do I even need to enter commentary here? No, the password spreadsheet is not encrypted; no, it is not password protected; and when I first walked in the door, I could see the document icon on first computer [unlocked] you see upon entering the building clearly labeled PW.XLS.)

Rod likes to make sure that email or any notes from a call are clearly labeled and documented. This is understandable, I get it. He repeated himself FIVE TIMES to tell me that it is "IMPORTANT THAT YOU CREATE CLEAR SUBJECT LINES IN EMAIL" Five times! In a row. Back-to-back. I counted. How many times can you try to reassure someone that you understand and have received the message they are transmitting? "ok" "Gotcha" "That makes sense" "understandable" And that's only four! This was in my first hour on my first day. For some reason I still haven't figured out, I'm still here.

Yesterday, Rod took me aside to point out the various merits of creating email folders. This wasn't the first time. It took him 30 minutes to explain that you can create folders in different areas, like inbox, or sent items. He had to give examples, show how he did it, and again explain how it will help me in the future. He forgot twice what he was trying to teach me. Thirty minutes!! I have been doing tech support for 10 years. I can set up folders in my sleep. This conversation was agonizing for me.

While trying to learn one of his products, I asked Rod yesterday "So, I'm trying to find the application here. Is it called 'Acme Organizer?' Or just 'Organizer?'" His reply was a very low mutter "Ohh, yeahhhh geee. Hmmm. I dunno." This is HIS company! He doesn't know the name of his own product or how it appears on the computer? Inconceivable!

After being here for 3 days, I figured maybe it would be nice to know if I got paid, and if so, when. So I asked. "Ummm, yeah... so I have TWO DAYS... " (Sometimes, Rod will start off muttering barely coherently, then will nearly shout out words, as in that last example) There was a long silent pause while I waited to find out what else he had to say. "So yeah, the FIFTEENTH or SIXTEENTH and you know umm the FIRST ummm...." I was excited! It was the fifteenth! He continued... "so um ... AHERRRMARGGG!!!!" (Rod also has a habit of clearing his throat so loudly, it makes you jump, then cringe at the old man phlegmy resonance to it.) He continued... "So ahhhmmummm .... let's see yeah I'll probably pay TOMORROW cause then it's the weekend and nobody wants to worry...." At this point, the words faded into obscure silence and I could no longer hear what he was muttering.

So, here it is, the end of my first week! I *think* I'm getting paid today, and hey, I've even learned to enjoy the odd, odd things that happen here. I have Jennifer to thank in large part for that.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I have stories backing up! Remember, if you think you're having a bad day, remember Jennifer, Dave, and I have it worse!

IT Girl

Hello world!

What an original way to start a blog. But apt!

I started work a few days ago at a company that shall remain nameless in Washington State. There are essentially three other people that work there. The Boss, whom I shall call Rod, my coworker, whom I shall call Jennifer, and the other IT analyst, whom I shall call Dave.

This is the craziest place I have ever worked. Or have even heard of! It's almost close to Dilbert... but when you make Dilbert real, it's not really funny anymore... Or is it?

The following stories are all true.

On the first day, I dressed business casual. I was greeted by Rod, who was wearing old track pants with a hole in them. Later, I was introduced to Jennifer, who was dressed quite sharply. Lastly, I met Dave, who was in sweat shorts and a Governator tshirt. Assuming the attire to be casual, the following day, I wore (nice) jeans and a black sweater. I was told within an hour of my arrival that jeans are frowned upon (by a man in soiled track pants).

An hour later... While on a conference call with both my coworkers, Rod came in to my cubicle and said "I want to get rid of this dipshit!" about someone who was working from home that day. (Sorry, Dave) What kind of manager calls a coworker a "dipshit" to a fellow coworker? A brand new coworker at that? I was shocked! What had I gotten myself into?! Little did I know, my horror was just beginning...

Another hour passes... Rod comes into my cubicle, bends down close to me, and says "So then you must... do you sleep around a lot?" Because I had already told him of my engagement, I was (1) confused (2) nonplussed (3) horrified (4) incredibly angry (5) speechless. There was silence as he waited for me to answer. That silence dragged on, as I waited for him to say something, ANYthing. I am sure my mouth dropped open. I had to look away. He said "That was me being cute!" He then went on to mention that I had told him my "boyfriend or whatever" lived nearby (I hadn't) while I lived somewhere about 20 miles away (where I don't).

I will sign off for now, to let you think on that. Is it any surprise that on this, my third day, I have no idea if I will reach a fourth?

I hope you enjoy my stories as I post them. I certainly have a never ending source.

Eye Tee Girl